GDPUK’s Dental Almanac for 2025
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- Published: Wednesday, 01 January 2025 18:25
- Written by Peter Ingle
- Hits: 960
At the end of another turbulent year for the profession GDPUK has carefully looked into the future and can now set out it‘s predictions for the dental year to come. That, or someone forgot to put the lid back on the cold cure monomer*
Three new dental schools are proposed in dental deserts. They are united by being in the constituencies of MP’s with modest majorities, won in the 2024 elections.
Dentists hoping to receive the 2023/2024 uplift in the January schedules are disappointed. The BDA report that the new DHSC improved offer of 4.65 % uplift has been rejected.
February:
The CQC institute an emergency three day week due to staff shortages as so many senior executives have left. The GDC process to recruit a new chair to replace Lord Harris hits difficulties as it experiences a lack of willing and suitable applicants.
DHSC revise their offer to 4.5% for the 2023/2024 uplift citing the need to improve the nation’s finances.
President Trump’s new health supremo, Robert F Kennedy Jnr, encourages states to ban fluoride toothpastes and Bis GMA containing composites.
A private message from Wes Streeting to a senior BDA negotiator is leaked. In it the minister says that ‘it’s not me holding back the uplift’ and laments that trying to fix the NHS is taking its toll on him.
March: The GDC are criticised in a letter from the Office of the Information Commissioner following their repeated failure to provide accurate transcripts of Fitness to Practice hearings. GDC Executive Director, Strategy Stefan Czerniawski, writes a blog on their website headed “Improving information Governance at the GDC”, which only refers to receiving helpful suggestions for further improvement from the ICO.
As practices make only slow progress adopting skill mix, a dental associate tax is introduced in the spring budget to encourage practice owners to make more use of the full dental team.
In America, RFK endorses the use of silicate cement and cohesive gold as restorative materials.
April: Therapist and hygienist representatives advise their members to refuse to open NHS courses of treatment until they are provided with NHS pensions, and maternity and sickness benefits.
As the associate tax makes it unviable a mid-sized corporate fails. Front pages and news programmes show patients with toothache forming long queues, in the early hours. It transpires that they are waiting for B & Q to open so they can get some pliers for their DIY extractions.
Talks between the BDA and DHSC break down after the rejection of a final offer of 4.2% uplift “in the national interest.” A gaunt Wes Streeting is seen leaving the Department of Health carrying a transparent folder containing an otherwise blank document headed “Dental recovery plan, recovery plan.”
May: As the GDC struggle to recruit their next chair, a mole reveals the latest shortlist. Names on it include David Milliband with the annotation, ‘seems keen to re-establish himself in the UK as a springboard for greater ambitions.’ Also on the list is Michel Barnier, with the note ‘proven track record.’ Jeffrey Archer and Jonathan Aitken also feature with the note ‘would improve our record on trust and transparency.’
The CQC introduce an apprenticeship scheme for school leavers to be fast tracked into senior managers.
A visibly shaking Wes Streeting announces that the failed corporate is to be nationalised and that Army dental teams will be sent to work in them. It will be renamed, Oral Health, Care Repair and Prevention.
As more and more American pulps become non vital a world shortage of endodontic materials begins to take hold. Meanwhile RFK endorse the ‘Trump smile make over’, where the central incisors are made much longer than the laterals, in homage to the president’s ties.
Therapists and hygienists frustrated by the lack of progress in their pension demands start a work to rule, refusing to apply fluoride varnish. Shares in Colgate-Palmolive plummet.
June: The BDA relocate from 64 Wimpole Street with the end of their lease approaching, to an Airbnb in Dudley. Meanwhile an expose reveals that all recent GDC, CDO and GDC press releases and updates, were written by an AI system undergoing beta testing. Further revelations include it’s hacking by Chinese state sponsored saboteurs seeking to disrupt the UK.
In the Kings Birthday honours list former CDO Sara Hurley is made a Baroness and will sit in the Lords.
RFK endorses the use of Endomethasone, Caustinerf and asks France to resume production of Spad. Due to the rise in demand Ledermix is now only available on the dark web with its price approaching parity with bitcoin.
July: Farmers protests leave supermarket shelves empty. Forces personnel at nationalised OH CRAP are signed off from work on health grounds and all appointments are cancelled. A sharp eyed dentist claims to have seen Jeremy Clarkson and Eddie Crouch deep in conversation, in a bar half way between Chipping Norton and Sollihul.
Therapist and hygienist groups escalate their work to rule and stop recommending sensitive toothpaste. Shares in Haleon plummet.
Chinese and Russian security services in a rare joint statement admit that they did hack the GDC, communications network, but on reading the content felt that there was no need for them to change it.
July: A relieved GDC announce that a new chair has been appointed. Alastair Campbell says that he is delighted to be working with such a skilled group as the GDC’s engagement team. A key part of his plan for the regulator is to prepare what he describes as a new ‘dental dossier’ which will justify the GDC’s day to day operations.
August: A shortage of pliers and mole grips becomes apparent, as they are removed from workplace tool kits, to be used for DIY dentistry.
The combination of empty grocery shelves and closed dental appointment books leads to increasing public dissatisfaction. In what is now a rare interview, a twitching Minister of State suggests that there has been collusion between the dental and farming leaders, to put pressure on the government.
September: As the new GDC Chair arrives at Wimpole Street his predecessor Lord Harris is seen skipping out of the door singing “I’m free.” It being recycling day, a large number of worn out shredders are seen awaiting collection on the pavement outside.
Stephen Kinnock, Minister of State for Care with particular responsibility for dentistry announces that he is leaving government after a recording of him expressing his views of the dental profession is leaked. He maintains that he was incorrectly quoted and the remarks were in fact an old Welsh lament about the limitations of the market economy.
October: Lord Hurley is announced as Stephen Kinnock’s replacement. Manufacturing industry is put on a three day week as the lack of pliers and screwdrivers, removed for use to remove teeth at home, begins to affect equipment maintenance.
On a rare trip out of Mo 10 the Prime Minister notices the plethora of barber shops on most high streets.
November: Wes Streeting announces that he is leaving politics to take up holy orders. As the queues outside dental practices start to get in the way of the queues outside supermarkets scuffles begin. The nations’ nuclear deterrent is reported to have been stood down due to a lack of maintenance resulting from the hand tools shortage.
As part of the Trumpification of stateside dentistry new orange shades of ceramic and silicate are introduced.
December: Fighting between dental and supermarket queues intensifies. The Prime Minister declares a state of Emergency, and announces a new, new dental recovery plan. Key features include press gangs outside student unions pressing the Kings shilling into dental student’s hands to be known as Starmer’s Surgeons in tribute to the post war Bevin Boys. The conversion of the army’s remaining tanks into all terrain dental vans will start as soon as emergency lend lease supplies of pliers and bradawls arrive from the USA.
There will also be many nationwide intensive two week courses to train thousands of barbers to carry out dentistry. Their practicing certificates will be backdated 2 years and they will be known as the 2023 men.
*Seasons greetings dear GDC informants. That bit about the cold cure, it’s an attempt at humour, not something that ever happened. Trust and transparency, eh?
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